Ever since the dawn of hipsterdom fell upon us like a plague of locusts, skinny jeans have held a visible presence in our culture. It can at times seem as if some malevolent force ruling over the fashion world has determined to make every last man and woman as uncomfortable as possible.
If only discomfort was all we have to fear…
Obviously, if you’re reading our blog, then we don’t need to tell you why baggy jeans are pretty much better in every way. But, nevertheless, you still might be unaware of just how bad skinny jeans actually are for you and the world.
Sure, you may know how lame they look and how uncomfortable they are to wear, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Upon closer scrutiny, it quickly becomes apparent that skinny jeans could very well destroy the entire world and everyone in it.
I’m not saying there’s a conspiracy by the fashion world to destroy humanity and the planet at large. I’m not saying that… but only because they’re listening.
Since awareness will be key to our survival, we’ve taken the risk of speaking out against “the industry” henceforth referred to as ‘Big Skinny Jean’ and put together this list of ways skinny jeans harm humanity and make the world a worse place.
THE DEADLY EFFECTS OF SKINNY JEANS
LOWER BIRTH RATES
Now I’m not a doctor. Or a scientist. Or an investigator of any type. But I do have YouTube and I’ve watched a lot of videos, so I know what I’m talking about!
What I’ve learned in my studies is that when testicles are squeezed tightly, daily, over a period of months, it causes harm.
According the BBC, “Men are warned that skinny jeans can lead to twisted testicles. They are typically urged to wear looser undergarments when they and their partner are trying to conceive, says general practitioner Dr Sarah Jarvis.”
Also, last July, The New York Post and other journalistic sources reported on a study that showed sperm counts in Western nations have plummeted over the past few decades.
Are skinny jeans to blame?
Well, as I said, I’m not a doctor. I’m just one man seeking the truth, fighting for freedom. But, as the adage goes: if the pants don’t fit, then Big Skinny Jean’s behind it.
MORE PEOPLE IN PRISON
I don’t need to lecture you on the rising prison rates. It’s been happening for sometime. Whether the rise in inmates came before or after the advent of skinny jeans is something best left to someone more willing to Google simple facts. For I am not!
But what’s important to note is that over 50% of inmates in American prisons are there for non-violent drug offenses, many of which are marijuana offenses.
Now, you may be asking yourself, “how are skinny jeans to blame?”
Well, my clueless compadres, let me lay it out for you.
Baggy clothing such as JNCOs make it much easier to carry around certain items without creating too much of a bulge.
With skinny jeans, cops can spot you riding dirty from a mile away.
Therefore, more skinny jeans = less pocket room = more drug busts.
Don’t you see? It all makes so much sense!
Now if you’re some rich 1%-er Hollywood elite, losing your wallet or purse is no big deal. But if you’re an average Joe like me, then losing your wallet can be devastating.
A lost wallet destroys many individuals and families teetering on the edge of financial ruin. And don’t bother looking for a source of this claim – Big Skinny Jean has scrubbed the Internet for reports verifying these facts.
But free yourself from Big Skinny’s paradigm for a moment. Take the ‘Red Pill” if you will, and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.
With baggy jeans like JNCOs, you’ll never lose your wallet. In fact JNCO pockets are so big that you’ll likely make money as loose coins get caught in your pocket’s gravitational pull.
But with skinny jeans, every time you bend over, sit down, or fart to powerfully, your wallet will slip out your back pocket and into oblivion.
This is all part of Big Skinny Jean’s plan to take down the working class.
Trust me. I’ve read stuff.
HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
BBC News recently issued a report on the dire health effects of wearing skinny jeans. In the article, skinny jeans are found to cause muscle bleeding and swelling, worsen urinary tract infections, exacerbate heartburn, and the aforementioned twisted testicles.
Skinny jeans are basically an iron maiden of horrors.
While I have no evidence to support this, it’s becoming more and more clear to me that there must be some connection between the insurance industry, Big Pharma, and Big Skinny Jean – a feedback loop of deadly proportions.
Think about it, you wear skinny jeans, which make you ill, and then you have to go on medication, which means you now have a prior condition!
Who will stop the madness? Who will defend The People?
INCREASED LIKELIHOOD OF FOREIGN INVASIONS
For the last item on this groundbreaking revelation of a list, I’d like to broach the possibility of increased foreign invasions due to skinny jeans.
Let me present this point with a thought experiment:
Imagine for a moment that you are an evil dictator of a country with a massive military. You’re sitting around bored one day and think, “hey, it could be fun to invade another country. A big one. One that would make the world think I’m super cool and strong.”
As you sit and ponder over what country to invade, you narrow it down to three. There’s Australia, UK, and USA.
You do a Google image search of each country and get a picture of Crocodile Dundee, Winston Churchill, and this guy:
Who would you invade?